Everything is GO!

Me, calling the wife from BevMo: “Honey, this is totally crazy! Ya know how Anchor Steam put out that Anchor Bock Beer?”

Wife: “You mean the one that is only available for a limited time and is virtually handmade by the brewers of Anchor Steam® Beer, in one of the most traditional small breweries in the world?”

Me: “Yes, and ‘good one’.”

Wife: “The beer you ended up not liking?”

Me: “Yes, again, but that’s not the point. They’ve put out a beer called Old Foghorn® Barleywine Style Ale and it’s brewed strictly according to traditional brewing methods, using only natural ingredients — water, malted barley, fresh whole hops, and yeast; and, it’s based on traditional English barley wines.”

Wife: “Okay.”

Me: “Well, here comes the part that’s totally insane: it costs fifteen bucks!”

Wife: “Whoa! That’s a lot of money for a six pack of beer.”

Me: “I hear ya. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. I love you. Bye.”

Wife: “I love you, too. Bye.”

And just as I’m about to hit the “End Call” button, I hear my wife’s voice screaming from my phone’s earpiece: “DON’T BUY IT!!!”

Me, putting the phone back up to my head: “Sweets, I would NEVER pay fifteen bucks for a six pack of beer.”

Wife: “Smart man. I love you. Bye.”

Me: “Love you, too. Bye.”

I place the six pack of Old Foghorn® Barleywine Style Ale back on the shelf.

CURSES!

The Wife: “Why are you singing Aimee Mann into the refrigerator?”

Me: “I’m not singing Aimee Mann into the refridgerator. I’m singing Three Dog Night into the refridgerator. ‘One’ was written by Harry Nilsson while he was working at a bank and Three Dog Night’s version made it into the Top Five in 1969. Aimee Mann did a version in 1994 for a tribute album to Harry Nilsson which was then used five years later in the film Magnolia. I am not singing that version.”

Wife: “So, Encyclopedia Brown, had I said, ‘Why are you singing Harry Nilsson in the refrigerator?’ would this conversation still be taking place with you correcting me as to whose version you’re singing, or would I be that much closer to finding out the mystery of WHY you are singing into the refrigerator?”

Me: “Encyclopedia Brown is a fictional boy detective.”

Wife: “‘Mr. Know-It-All’?”

Me: “Mr. Know-It-All just gives advice.”

Wife: “You’re not answering the question.”

Me: “Sorry, you lost me with your excessive use of the word ‘refridgerator’. You know I don’t like that word.”

Wife: “I’m not going to stop using words you can’t spell.”

Me: “But does it make sense?!?! Why would the word ‘fridge’ have a ‘D’ in it, but not the word ‘refrigerator’?”

Wife: “Why is it that when you are speaking the word ‘refrigerator’ while thinking of its correct spelling, you pronounce each syllable?”

Me: “Never answer a question with a question… unless your one of those Zen Monks. Are you a Zen Monk? I don’t think so.”

Wife: “Re Frige Er A Tor.”

Me: “…”

Wife: “…”

Me: “Are you done?”

Wife: “Are you going to tell me what’s up with you singing a song, that three different people have sung, into the refrigerator?”

Me: “Zen monk?”

Wife: “Zen monk…E, back ‘atcha.”

Me: “Eep. Eep.”

Wife: “Fine. Be that way. And if you’re singing about that ONE beer you forgot you drank two days ago? Good luck with that.”

CURSES!

Me, shouting with my head deep in the refridgerator: “Honey! Remember when I -”

Wife: “Behind the beets.”

Me, shouting again: “Clever!”

Several moments later.

Me, still shouting: “I see no beets! I see no beer! Only my breath!”

Wife: “It’s in there.”

Me, shouting once again: “The beets or the beer?”

Wife: “Both. Wait. We ate the beets. Just the beer.”

Me, shouting for the last time: “I didn’t eat any beets! I see nothing! I think I’m snowblind! I’m coming out!”

Me, emerging from the chilly box rubbing my frosty head: “Help me, I’m Goofy.”

The wife gets up from the couch, walks to the fridge, opens the door, sticks in her hand and pulls out the bottle of beer.

Me: “Wow. How’d you do that?”

Wife: “I never hid the beer. It was right there in plain sight. It’s a little game I like to play with you called: ‘So-Fucking-Obvious’. It’s a lot of fun and I always win.”

CURSES!

… and I STILL HATE beets!

I’m winning! I’m winning!