Everything is GO!

The wife asked me to make a brief jaunt to the Safeway and purchase two large brown potatoes and a bag of sugar.

I did NOT purchase Anchor Bock Beer even though it is only available for a limited time and is virtually handmade by the brewers of Anchor Steam® Beer, in one of the most traditional small breweries in the world.

It was the first thing I picked up upon entering the store and I did carry it around with me the entire time, but right before getting in the check out line I reunited the six pack with its very cold brothers. The moment did bring a small tear to my eye.

But I digress.

This is what happened when I returned home.

Wife: “Are these the largest potatoes you could find?”

Me: “Yes.”

Wife: “Did you look?”

Me: “Yes.”

Wife: “Did you look really hard?”

Me: “Yes, I spent a good five minutes searching through mounds and mounds of potatoes for the largest and most damage free potatoes in the entire store. I even enlisted a couple of Safeway employees and together we hunted long and deep and at one point we even did a ritualistic dance (involving fire) to the God of Potatoes and she was pleased and bestowed upon us the very two potatoes you hold in your hands now.”

At this point my wife drops one of the potatoes.

Me: “YOU TOTALLY DID THAT ON PURPOSE!!!”

Wife, laughing: “No, it was a total accident.”

Me, irate with anger: “NO, YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE!!! YOU WERE SPITING ME!”

Wife, not laughing as much: “Are you really yelling at me over a potato?”

Me: “No! … Not anymore.”

Wife: “And why did you buy THIS brand of sugar instead of the Safeway brand?”

Me: “You know why.”

Wife: “The C&H brand is two to three times as expensive as the Safeway brand.”

Me: “Oh, I know.”

Wife: “Is it really worth the extra money?”

Me: “I’M NOT EATING ANY DAMN SUGAR MADE FROM BEETS!!! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE BEETS!!! I HATE THEM IN ALL THEIR MANY INCARNATIONS!!! I HATE THEM!!! THEY RUIN EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH!!! I HATE THEM!!! I HATE THEM ALL!!!”

Wife, calmly: “Do you know that every dessert I have ever made you has included sugar made from sugar beets?”

Me, shocked: “NO!”

Wife: “It’s true. Do you love my desserts?”

Me, quietly: “Yes.”

Wife: “What’s that you said?”

Me, sighing: “YES.”

Wife: “That’s what I thought.”

CURSES!

Me, upon arranging the contents of the fridge into a more glorious state: “ONE BEER!?!?!? WHERE THE HELL DID THE OTHER BEER GO?!?!?! IT WAS JUST HERE!!!!!! WHAT’S GOING ON AROUND HERE?!?!?!?!”

Wife, folding the bags the put away groceries have now left empty: “You just drank one of the two beers three hours ago. How could you have forgotten so quickly?”

Me, smiling upon remembering how good that one of two beers three hours ago was: “Here. Hide this last beer so I don’t lose it.”

Wife, slowly and gently taking the one last beer from my hand: “Oh, I’ll hide this beer alright.”

CURSES!

Me, upon opening the fridge: “There’s only two bottles of beer left! Who’s been drinking all the beer? I bought a six pack on Monday and now there’s only two! This is the good stuff, the EXPENSIVE stuff! C’mon! WHO’S BEEN DRINKING ALL THE BEER?!?!?!”

Wife, from the couch sipping tea: “You.”

CURSES!

The other day we were at the store and as I watched my wife place beets in our cart, I thought: “Why is she buying beets? She knows I HATE beets! Ok, maybe they’re for her.”

Today, my wife says she’s going to make us a salad and on it will be pears, Roquefort cheese, and BEETS!

“Wife, you know how much I HATE beets. Why the beets? Why? Why?”

Calmly she replies, “You like beets.”

“I don’t like beets! I HATE beets! I’ve told you like a million times how I HATE beets! You always do this! You repeatedly give me things you know I HATE! Why? WHY?!?!?!”

Calmly again and not even looking at me she says, “Do you like pesto?”

“… Yes.”

“Did you like pesto when we first met?”

“… No.”

“And you like it now?”

“… Yes.”

“And coffee?”

“… Yes, I like coffee now and did not like it when we first met.”

“And why do you like it now?”

“… Because of you.”

“So what are we going to have on the salad tonight?”

“… (Big Sigh) Beets.”

“And you are going to like them… and don’t sigh at me.”

In my head, “I don’t care what she says, I’m NOT going to like the beets on our salad. I’m going to HATE them forever and ever!”

“Are you still thinking about beets?”

“… No.”

“Yes, you are, you Goof. Your brow’s all furrowed and you’ve got your grumpy face on. You can’t fool me.”

I hate when she is right.

She’s always right, forever and ever.

CURSES!