Almost THE BEST IDEA EVER
The Wife, nicely: “Would you like a cup of coffee?”
Me, insane in the membrane: “ARE YOU NUTS!?!?!? IT’S LIKE A BAJILLION FREAKIN’ DEGREES OUTSIDE!?!?!? ARE YOU TRYING TO HURT ME!?!?!? BECAUSE I’M HURTIN’, BABY!!!”
The Wife, surprisingly still quite positive and smiley: “How about a cup of iced coffee?”
Me, dripping with sweat and full of venom: “Sure. That would be swell… Waitaminit. If I have a cup of ICED coffee now, the caffeine will keep me up ALL NIGHT LONG!!! WHADDYA THINKIN’!?!?!? DO YOU HAVE IT IN FOR ME!?!?!? HAVE I MADE YOUR LIFE SO DIFFICULT THAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO ME IN BY TAKING AWAY MY SWEET, SWEET SLEEP!?!?!? I WON’T STAND FOR IT!!! I’M ON TO YOU!!! AWAY FROM ME WOMAN!!! AWAY!!!”
The Wife, sweet as a peach: “I can make you a decaffeinated iced coffee. Would you like that? I could even put a little chocolate in it.”
Me, the light bulb going on brighter than ever before: “Chocolate? THAT’S IT!!! WE’RE GOING TO BE RICH!!! I’VE GOT THE BEST IDEA EVER!!!”
The Wife, enthusiastically: “Tell me!”
Me, jumping to my feet and punctuating each bit of brilliance with impressive arm and hand movements: “Ya know how there’s Hot Chocolate, right? Well, when it’s super hot outside no fool in their right mind would want Hot Chocolate, right? Are ya with me? Okay, hold on to your mind because here it comes: ICED CHOCOLATE!!! This is going to be HUGE! Huge I say! We can market it as an Iced Coffee alternative! And the kids! The kids’ll dig it! I just know they will. SCHOOLS!!! We’ll get our ICED CHOCOLATE in schools! Schools fulla kids!”
The Wife, looking at me with a concerned look on her face: “…”
Me, confused: “What? What!? WHAT!?!?!? THIS IS IT!!! THIS IS OUR DEFINING MOMENT!!! THIS IS WHY WE WERE PUT ON THIS EARTH!!! THIS IS OUR GOLDEN TICKET!!! THIS IS GOING TO GET US OUT OF THIS NOWHERE TOWN AND KICK START OUR LIVES INTO OVERDRIVE!!! WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!?!?!? YOU’VE GOT THAT LOOK!!! THAT’S THE POKING HOLES LOOK!!! YOU’RE GOING TO START POKING HOLES IN OUR WONDERFUL DREAM!!! DON’T DO IT!!! I’M BEGGING YOU!!! THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER!!! WE’RE WINNING!!! WE’RE WINNING!!!”
The Wife, speaking quietly and calmly with brow furrowed, “How exactly would we make this drink?”
Me, faith renewed and pacing around the room feverishly: “Let’s see, if iced coffee is coffee + ice + milk, then Iced Chocolate would have ice + milk + chocolate. I like how this is sounding. I do, I do, I do. Yes, ice + milk + chocolate. Very, very good. We heat the milk and add the chocolate and then cool the whole thing off with ice. Huh. I guess we don’t really need to heat the milk if we are just going to cool it off again, do we? I suppose we could just add the chocolate to the already cold milk. Be kind of silly to call it Iced Chocolate if there’s no ice in it. I guess the best description would also be the most simple. We can just call it CHOCOLATE MIL…“