The Wife, returning after a long and hard day at work: “Are you feeling any better, sicky?”
Me, playing it up: “Kinda.”
The Wife, suspiciously : “Did you eat well today, like I told you to?”
Me, mumbling: “Kinda.”
The Wife, arms akimbo and narrowing her eyes: “What did you eat today?”
Me, pulling the covers up over my head: “You don’t wanna know.”
Me, returning from the mailbox: “Wife! Come hither! The newish Russian Horror DVD has arrived!”
The Wife, confused: “Since when do you rent anything from either of those categories?”
Me, gleaming: “Branching out! Are you ready?”
The Wife, still confused: “What’s it called?”
Me, in a creepy voice: “THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA!!!”
The Wife, utterly confused: “Are you mental?”
Me, in an even creepier voice: “Mental for THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA!!!”
The Wife, calmly: “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Goof.”
Me, in the most creepy voice I’ve ever commandeered: “You don’t know what YOU’RE talking about,… Jedi!”
The Wife, rolling her eyes: “Fine. Why don’t you read me the description of the film from the sleeve.”
Me, reading out loud and trying to sound like Vincent Price: “Lauren Weisberger’s best-selling novel about a young woman who stumbles into the hectic worlds of high fashion and publishing comes to the big screen in this comedy?!?!,… I mean, RUSSIAN HORROR MOVIE. Andrea Sachs (Anne Hathaway) is a bright young VIRGIN from the Midwest OF RUSSIA who has just graduated from college A VIRGIN and wants to work as a magazine writer WRITING ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE RUSSIAN. Andrea has applied for a job at “Runway”, RUSSIA’S most prestigious fashion journal; though Andrea has little to no interest in the garment trade, they are one of the only magazines in New, um… MOSCOW with a job opening — second assistant to THE SUPER EVIL editor Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep). As Andrea quickly learns, Miranda is a diva with plenty of EVIL power within the magazine business and she isn’t afraid to use it FOR EVIL, and though Andrea lands the job (primarily by being in the right place at the right time AND BECAUSE SHE’S A VIRGIN), she soon learns that working for Miranda could test the patience of a saint thanks to her endless demands and refusal to acknowledge the end of a work day LEADING TO THE ULTIMATE FRIGHTENING BATTLE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL. Andrea struggles to hold on to the job and her sanity AND VIRGINITY, knowing that a recommendation from Miranda can open nearly any door at any RUSSIAN magazine, but can she handle the pressure without losing her mind AND LIFE… AND VIRGINITY along the way? THIS MOVIE IS VERY SCARY DON’T WATCH IT ALONE YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.”
The Wife, smiling: “I guess you’re right.”
Me, glumly: “Yup.”
CURSES!
*******
↓ UPDATE ↓
Me, as the closing credits roll and feeling a wee bit smug: “It might not have been Russian, but it was a horror movie. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but quite a scary experience all the same. Do you concur?”
The Wife, sitting next to me, sadly: “I concur.”
Husband = 1
Wife = 1,112
HUZZAH!
The Wife, sitting on the couch and reading an article from The New York Times: “I LOVE when film critics use euphemisms!”
Me, lying on the floor: “Like ’splickety-splockety’?”
The Wife, softly: “Do you know what an ‘euphemism’ is?”
Me, phoning it in: “Like when they put a dog down?”
The Wife, sarcastically: “Yeah. That’s it.”
Me, triumphantly: “Third times the charm.”
The Wife, sweetly: “You only guessed twice; AND, might I add, incorrectly both times. Listen. ‘Barbara Stanwyck never made heavy weather of it.’ Isn’t that fantastic?”
Me, coldly: “That is perhaps the most fan-fucking-tastic thing I’ve EVER heard. Read it again. This time with a French accent. Begin.”
The Wife, returning to her article: “What happened to the man I married?”
Me, still on the floor staring at the carpet fibers: “Ironically, he was euthanized in the most splickety-splockety way imaginable.”
Me, yelling from the bathroom: “Wife! Remember how I kept wondering why the toothpaste was so crunchy and kinda funny tasting in the mornings, but not at night?”
The wife, exasperated, from the bedroom: “Yes, you’ve been wondering out loud at me for months and months; and I’m telling you for the last time, there’s nothing wrong with the toothpaste.”
Me, “Yeah. I know that… now.”
